Girl in line: I'm getting a Diet Coke, now we can have sex.

California



Construction worker #1: You want some fruit? I got two tangerines and a banana.
Construction worker #2: I'll take the tangerines.
Construction worker #1: Not the banana?
Construction worker #2: No.
Construction worker #1: It's the dick thing, isn't it.
Construction worker #2, silent for a moment: No. They give me heartburn.

Ontario
Canada



College girl: There has to be a college around here, there's all these gays walking around!

Brattleboro, Vermont



Old man: I sell rope to the government.

Shrewsbury
England



Dad, pushing shopping cart: What should we get? Some more carrots?
Kindergarten son: Yeah!
Dad, pushing shopping cart: Some more corn?
Kindergarten son: No! You'll die!

San Diego, California



Winn Dixie greeter to two non-smiling girls, cheerfully: Welcome to Winn Dixie, keep those smiles on. Keep the joy alive.

Sunrise, Florida



30-something white guy in button-down and chinos in wealthy suburb: Yo, what's good, ma nigga?

Larchmont, New York



Black guy: Yeah, so I have to be Jewish for two more years...

Fairleigh Dickinson University
New Jersey



Student to another: She's got the biggest penis in the psych ward!

George Mason University
Fairfax County, Virginia



Girl to mother: I want a refund! I am not satisfied! Take these ovaries back!

Los Angeles, California



Pilot to passengers at gate: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm captain Tom. We're going to do the early departure/early arrival thing. My apologies to you if you're not there yet, but I need to get to the hotel in Boston by 11 pm. Nip/Tuck is on.

Airport
Baltimore, Maryland



Guy #1: Hey, what's that disease that when you get it it makes you, like, super intelligent?
Guy #2: Dude... What?

Milwaukee, Wisconsin



20-something black girl to friends: You know fuckin' Jewish people teach their kids algebra in, like, kindergarten.
Friend: Yup.

Hofstra University
New York



Pretentious female student: I heard that in Thailand it's illegal to even mention the musical The King and I, because it was so offensive.
Unimpressed teacher: Really... I would've banned it because it's stupid.

Albuquerque, New Mexico



Professor: Don't get old, people. I definitely recommend against it. Of course, the alternative isn't that great either.

Northeastern University
Boston, Massachusetts



Sad barfly: I'm not sure which I liked less, being ripped off by an Indian or by a nun.

Edinburgh
Scotland



Professor: So now the internet is used for visual works!
Student: And lolcatz.
Professor: Who's Lowell Katz?

Boulder, Colorado



Teacher: We're going to be watching a movie in Spanish, with English subtitles.
(scrolls to 'English for the hearing impaired')
Student: Wait! Won't that just be, like, dots?

Virginia Beach, Virginia



Lady to fellow Disney-goer: ...and then he put aftershave on it, and he ended up in the hospital.

Epcot's World Showcase
Disney World, Florida



Guy: ...in the washing machine, and the birds just keep opening their mouths because they're stupid, so they keep getting bigger...

Los Angeles, California



Opportunistic girl: I've been known to date guys for their personalities... Oh, and he has a boat!

University of Florida



Drunk American girl: Where are you from?
English guy: I'm Cornish.
Drunk American girl: Oh, is that like from cornland?

Pub
Dublin
Ireland



Woman: My daughter is terrified of dying. Not because she's scared of death, but because she doesn't want to go to heaven where the dinosaurs are.

Portland, Oregon