Girl #1: Have you ever got hit by an errant cup of coffee?
Girl #2: Once, but I’m not sure how errant I’d consider it.
–Fix Coffee, Williamsburg
Bitch: Oh hi! We were just speaking very poorly about you!
–Art Gallery, SoHo
WASP Lady: The train service was really nice. Not at all like the subway.
Hot chick: You know what? I hate all men. I have two nieces so I don’t even need to have kids. I can have sex any time I want, so I’m happy.
–Art Gallery, SoHo
Literary Agent: I’m full of shit. I can’t help it!
Hot Girl: …and then gonorrhea. Yeah, I think that’s all I’ve had. Not as bad as I thought!
–Union Square Station
Yuppie: I don’t think he’s working now. All he ever talks about is monkeys and robots.
Young Son: Is there a Mars eclipse, too?
Father: There’s no Mars eclipse. There’s Marzipan, but no Mars eclipse.
Waitress: Is that book you’re reading fiction or theory?
Gay #1: How is being gay going for you?
Gay #2: I don’t really jibe with the culture.
Gay #1: Like what?
Gay #2: The music.
–7A Cafe, East Village
Employee: Would you like to try a new Portuguese wine?
Customer: I love South American wines!
–Cabrini Wines, Hudson Heights
Yuppie: We shouldn’t be using our brains to simulate monkeys.
–Broadway & 72nd
Spa Girl: I just want to remind you that for 24 hours after your appointment you can’t have any food or drink with color.
Man: So does that mean that I can’t sleep with a black woman tonight?
Spa Girl: Uh…no! I guess not!
–BriteSmile Spa , 57th & 5th
Son: Is rain alien acid or regular acid?
Mom: Regular acid.
–43 Street & 9th Avenue
Shopgirl: You got to go to Hawaii for the summer? You’re so lucky!
Shopqueer: Not so lucky; I had to come back.
Shopgirl: At least you got to get out of the country.
–Urban Outfitters, Upper West Side
A group of punks walk by the Hellenic Steaks restaurant. Punk: This restaurant is perfect for me: I love steak, and I love Satan!
Chick: Hey, come look at this, like, book
–Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Girl #1: My friend Chandra thinks she’s still a virgin because she’s only had anal sex.
Girl #2: How do you know this girl?
Girl #1: She goes to my church.
–New York Public Library, 40th & 5th