From the net.....




Older person to teen mom: Just make sure you teach him to be polite. You want him to be a good adult.
Teen mom: I don’t care how he is ‘long as he ain’t like his daddy.

North Side



Teen girl #1: Oh, I should have brought my sunglasses!
Teen girl #2: Yeah, it’s really bright out today.
Teen girl #1: Oh well, I’ll just have to risk getting skin cancer of the eyes.

Lake Harriet



Guy: I’ve been married for 32 years. I could go home but what would my wife and I do? I’ll drink this Redbull to cover up the alcohol before I leave.

Irish Bar



Drunk 18 yr old or so girl to her drunk friends: Hey guys! My dad’s home, and he’s got weed!

Light rail train



Walmart Floor Sweeper: If I was going to get sick from anything it would probably be alcoholism. The alcohol kills all the other germs I think.

Walmart



8 year old boy to his father: Now this is how to pollute the earth the right way!

4th of July fireworks



Black Gal #1: Whooooooo!
Black Gal #2: Heeeeeyyyy!
Black Gal #3: Black people! Settle down! I should have brought my white friends, y’all are too loud!

Taste Of Minnesota



Woman talking to herself in bathroom stall: Okay, now let’s see what we’ve got in here.

10th floor



20-year-old girl: I made some last night. They taste a bit like feet, but they’re decent.

Gold Medal Park



13 year old #1: My brother doesn’t have a job. He’s a lazy ass who sits around all day.
13 year old #2: How old is he?
13 year old #1: 15.

Edina Middle school



Guy at the bar Sunday morning: If my dad is a physician, does that make him a doctor?

Herkimer



Girl #1: Ugh, I hate how big my stomach gets after I eat; it’s just such a big food belly!
Girl #2: Not to be a bitch, but you’re actually just kinda fat.

U of M - Coffman Union



Girl: Well, I need to practice my insults on somebody.

Maplewood



Intellectual 8-year-old randomly: In my opinion, anyone who attacks a pirate is just as bad as the pirate. Right, dad?
Father: Sure.

MOA



Old lady eating pizza: There is a lot of cheese on here. (takes a bite) Cheese gives me nightmares.

B & B Pizza



Mom: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Her kid: A taco!

Target



Dude who just passed his driver’s license test: Yessss! Now I can drink… and drive!

Minneapolis, License Center



Guy #1: Dude, cats are smarter than dogs, just face the facts.
Guy #2: No way, man.
Guy #1: Oh yeah?!? Look at Garfield. He talks and eats lasagna.

Minneapolis, Uptown Bar



Guy with bicycling hat on: Yeah, I know all about Astroglide.

Lyndale Bulldog Restaurant



A girl smiling, listening to a boy on an escalator
Boy: English is the only language where you call things what they really are. (holds up a pencil) Like, what is this?
Girl: Der ist ein Bleistift!
Boy: No, no it isn’t! It’s a pencil!

Coffman Memorial Union



Girl #1: Some people find you a little abrasive.
Girl #2: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!

Edina, Fuddruckers



Girl #1: Look at all of those glamorous women!
Girl #2: Those are drag queens.

Minneapolis Pride Festival



Grandma: I just got new hearing aids.
Father (son of Grandma): How are they working?
Grandma: (no response)
Father: Mom? Are they working?
Grandma: That’s nice.
Son (grandchild): I think that’s your answer.

Burnsville, Red Lobster



5 year old boy upon seeing snow falling while heading out for recess: Spring in Minnesota is bullshit.
5 year old girl: What’s spring?

kindergarten class in March



Future math major to her equally smart friend: What’s 75% off of four dollars?
(long pause, then both give up and walk away)

Ridgedale



Teenage girl to friend: I’m pretty sure girls don’t get horny. Because, y’know, sex isn’t fun for the girl. So why would she get horny for it?

Edina



PR Person to Boss: You must get tired of dealing with the crazies.
Boss: I enjoy the crazies, it’s the rational people I don’t like.

downtown Minneapolis office building