From the net . . .



Woman #1: Are you getting ice cream?
Woman #2: I'm getting beer.
Woman #1: I thought you said you wanted something chocolatey.
Woman #2: I want chocolate and beer.

--Deli, Lexington b/w 84th & 85th



Subway musician to drunk guy puking: Hey! Come on, asshole, take a cab, this is my place of work!
Drunk guy: You know what, why don't you pay for my cab to Queens and get a real job while you're at it?

--7 Train



Girl to friend: I have to go by the post office to pick up a package, because I missed the UPS guy when he tried to deliver it.
Friend: Huh?

--2 Train



Mom to little girl punching her in the butt on their way out of the bank: Don't you hit me! What's wrong with you?
Girl, whining: But I want my own money.
Mom: Well, you don't have a checking account now, do you?

--56th St & Broadway



20-something girl #1, about energy drinks: Everyone drinks them. I figure if they were so bad they'd make them illegal.
20-something girl #2, sarcastically: Yeah... like cigarettes and alcohol are illegal.
20-something girl #1: Heroin is illegal. That's definitely bad.

--Central Park



Woman #1: So, she had half her lung removed.
Woman #2: Does she talk funny now?
Woman #1, confused: Why would she talk funny?
Woman #2: Don't you breathe through your lungs?
Woman #1: You are a moron.

--34th & 7th



Hipster guy: Be right back. (ten minutes later, comes back and sits down) Nevermind.
Hipster girl: You can't "nevermind" a "be right back" ten minutes into said "be right back" time. It then goes from being a "nevermind" to a "back."
Hipster guy: I was only gone a second...
Hipster girl: It was still a valid time to say "back." Not "nevermind".

--Starbucks



Tourist mom with mullet, trying to take a picture of cute five-year old boy: Stand by the testicles, honey. Stand by the balls!

--Wall Street Bull



Little British boy: Oh my goodness, dad, look! They have books on dating. 'How to Date' is probably like, "Don't take her to McDonald's!"

--Barnes & Noble



Bored bus driver: This is Eldar Avenue. Next stop is Kissena boulevard, and for those of you wearing headphones: blah blah blabbity blah.

--Q44



Little girl, as car alarm goes off when she passes by: What was that?
Older sister: Oh, don't worry, it was probably me.
Little girl: Psh! You're not that hot!

--26th St & 1st Ave



Girl: I need a job with benefits.
Guy: McDonald's has benefits--free lunch, and you get to learn how to make French fries.

--Prospect Park



Angry woman to frantically dancing little boy: Stop that! Stop it! Have you lost your damn mind?
Little boy, still dancing: Yeah... a little!

--6th Ave & 18th St



30-something man to 30-something woman: When are we ever going to find a time when both of our parents aren't home?

--7th & 1st



Rich high-school girl #1: We should totally do this more often, like go to Philadelphia for the day.
Rich high-school girl #2: Totally! Where is Philadelphia, anyway? Is it next to Pennsylvania?
Rich high-school girl #1: Yeah, I think so...
Rich high-school girl #2: So then, where's Alabama?

--Megabus



Little boy: Where's my hat? I need my hat!
Mom: Where's some manners? You need some manners.
Little boy: Actually, they're in my hat.

--Brooklyn



Bus driver: Please keep your voices low when using your cell phones. Last week a woman refused to heed that advice, so I stranded her at the first rest stop. That was my mother.

--BoltBus