My uncle took his son out to dinner one night, and they ran into my uncle's boss.
Uncle says to his son "Son, this is Daddy's boss."
The kid gets this look of absolute rage on his face and declares, "You're not my Daddy's boss! My Mommy's my Daddy's boss!"
My sister’s young son came home from preschool, and he used the word “damn.” My sister informed him that was a bad word, and he couldn't use it. He said, “Damn isn't a bad word. F--- is a bad word!”
When my daughter was about 2 years old, she pooped on the floor in her room. She asked me to come see. I walked in her room and asked her what had happened. She said to me, “I don't know, it just fell out!”
While in the potty-training process, my 3-year-old was standing at the potty for about 5 minutes. I said, “Go potty,” and he said, “I can’t. My wee-wee’s broken. I need a screwdriver and hammer to fix it.”
I was squatting in the store looking at stuff on the bottom shelf, and my 2-year-old yelled, “Mommy, are you making poop?!”
Me: Where did you get that shirt?
6-year-old: The dirty laundry pile.
Me: That means it's dirty. Is that why you are wearing the sweater?
6-year-old: Yes. I don't like the other shirts.
Me: So you decided to wear a dirty shirt to school instead of one of the 27 clean ones in your closet?
6-year-old: I guess you should have done the laundry.
While driving home one day, my niece sighed and said, "I knew the dinosaurs would come and get me one day."
...There were two large cranes working on a bridge.
"Mummy! I can't find me!"
– My 3yo daughter during a power outage.
In Jiu Jitsu last week, I had a 7 year old kid ask me, "What's the point of learning to defend ourselves when we're all just going to die anyway?"
On a road trip with my friend and her six-year-old nephew, he was in the backseat talking. My friend said,
"Jake, who are you talking to?"
"Well, what are you talking about?"
"I don't know. I wasn't listening."
I was observing an elementary school teacher and she asked her students if they had any questions for me. The first question I got was, "Where exactly did you get your hair cut? Because my mom's hair looks terrible."
When told there was "no such thing as cars made of chocolate," my son wistfully replied "If only there were no such thing as no such thing."
My 5-year-old daughter was trying on her Halloween costume.
Her: Daddy, what are you going to be for Halloween?
Me: Surly and old.
Her: Oh. That's what you were last year.
After the usual machine gun style question and answer session with my five-year-old, my wife asked her why she asks so many questions.
Her response: "Umm. Well, I don't know anything."
Me: What in the hell?
5yo son: Ummm, actually it's pronounced 'what in the world.'
At the age of 3, when being coaxed to give her great aunt a kiss, Maggie said, "YOU kiss her!"
Me: That squirrel wasn't moving.
8 year-old daughter: I've seen a toody squirrel before.
Me: A toody squirrel? What's that?
8 year-old daughter: It's a squirrel that's 2-D instead of 3-D.
Me: Oh, two dimensions. Where did you see that?
8 year-old daughter: In the woods. It was on the ground.
8 year-old daughter: Yep. Dead. Flat. A 2-D squirrel.
4-year-old: If I were a puppy, I would lick my balls all day long.
6-year-old: Mom heard you.
4-year-old: (Turns around to look at me.)
4yr old: I'm just sayin.
3-year-old Meaghan: "When do I get to have a penis?"
Me: Want to come to work with me and see what I do all day?
4-year-old: No. I don't want to be sad.
5yo: You're old!
Me: I'm not that old. How old do you think I am?
5yo: The last number.
My 3yr old niece walked up to me with a pitifully sad face. When I asked what's wrong, she replied, (Sigh) "I have a crack in my butt."
Boogers are poop from your nose, so I don't eat them.
A fart is just your poop turning to dust.