From the net ...



Drugstore | Georgia, USA

Me: “Thank you for calling [drugstore], how can I help you?”

Customer: “What time do y’all close?”

Me: “We’re open twenty four hours, sir.”

Customer: “But what time do you close?”

Me: “We’re twenty four hours.”

Customer: “What does that mean? I don’t know military time!”

Me: “We’re open twenty four hours a day, three hundred and sixty five days a year sir.”

Customer: “You’re not listening to me. How am I suppose to know when to come if I don’t know when you close?!”

Me: “Sir, we never close. We’re always open.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “No matter what time you come, someone will be here, sir.”

Customer: “Well, what kind of stupid ass schedule is that?!”

Me: “You’d have to ask corporate, sir.”

Customer: “So wait…what time do y’all close?”



Pizza | Duluth, MN, USA

Me: “Hello, thanks for calling [pizza place] how may I help you?”

Customer: “I ordered a pizza and it has green peppers and mushrooms on it.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, but it says here that’s what you ordered.”

Customer: “No! I am allergic to green peppers! Why would I order something I’m allergic to?”

Me: “Alright, I understand. What did you intend to order?”

Customer: “Ham and pepperoni.”

Me: “Okay, we’ll have that out to you right away. Just make sure to give us the other pizza when we get there, okay?”

Customer: “I can’t.”

Me: “Why not?”

Customer: “I ate it already.”



Tech Support | California, USA

Caller: “I need to report a very serious computer crime! The local university is running an illegal computer system!”

Me: “Could you please repeat that?”

Caller: “The local university is running an illegal computer system! They’ve hacked it!”

Me: “How could you tell they’d hacked it?”

Caller: “Well, when it booted, it didn’t say Windows or Microsoft or anything! It said something about Deviant Linux, I think, and the main screen looked nothing like my good, legal Windows screen at home! I think they hacked that, too!”

Me: “Do you mean Debian Linux?”

Caller: “Yes, that! Is it some sort of computer mafia or something?”

Me: “Uh, no, it’s just a different operating system. Nothing to worry about.”

Caller: “But it’s illegal! It’s not Microsoft, not even Windows! They’re on a normal Microsoft computer, so they’re breaking the law! I think they stole my identity when I came in the building! I’m calling the FBI!” *hangs up*



Hotel | Chicago, IL, USA

(A man claiming to be our hotel guest’s boss calls our front desk several times, claiming that the guest won’t return his calls. I ring the hotel guest to let her know the situation.)

Me: “Hello! I received a few phone calls from a Mr. *** asking you to call him back immediately.”

Hotel guest: “Oh, Mr. ***? I don’t know a Mr. ****.”

Me: “Oh, okay. I’m sorry to bother you. I will ask him to stop calling.”

Hotel guest: “Well, what was his name again?”

Me: “Mr. ***.”

Hotel guest: “Was he tall?”

Me: “Ma’am, he was on the phone.”

Hotel guest: “You didn’t notice if he was tall or not? That doesn’t help me at all.”

Me: “Very sorry, ma’am. I will try to get a better look at him next time he calls.”

Hotel guest: “Thank you so much dear!” *hangs up*



Smoke Shop | Illinois, USA

(A man walks into the smoke shop and looks around at the acrylic bongs.)

Customer: “I’ll take the blue one.”

Me: “No problem.”

(He pays then leaves. About an hour later, he returns looking distressed.)

Customer: “Something’s wrong with this vase you sold me. I bought this vase for my wife for our anniversary. But the roses I bought won’t fit in it!”

Me: “Sir, that is not a vase. It’s a bong.”

Customer: “What?! Why would you sell bongs in a vase shop?! I have a bunch of people coming over and this was going to be the center piece!”

Me: “This is a smoke shop, sir. Not a vase shop. Would you like to return the bong for a refund?”

Customer: *thinks for a moment* “No. On second thought, I think I’ll find some use for it…”



Computer Shop | United Kingdom

Me: “Hi there, can I help you?”

Customer: “Oh, yes. I need a…” *looks a hand written list* “…wireless Ethernet cable?”

Me: “A…wireless cable?”

Customer: “Oh, do they not make them anymore?”



Call Center | Vancouver, Canada

Me: “Thank you for calling [cell phone provider]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I was just wondering if you’d gotten my payment?”

Me: “It doesn’t look like we have. May I ask how you paid?”

Customer: “I went to one of your stores two months ago just as they were closing up. A guy was walking out of the store and I asked if he worked there, so I gave him an envelope with my payment and telephone number written on it. He said he’d give it to his manager the next day.”

Me: “Did you go back to the store to find out what happened?”

Customer: “Yah, they said that no one matching the description I gave them worked there! So…is there any way you could adjust that charge?”



Zoo | Ontario, Canada

(At the zoo where I work, I’m answering questions from a group of tourists from Connecticut.)

Tourist: “So, do you all say ‘eh’ in Canada?”

Me: “Not too much, really. Maybe they say it a bit more out east.”

Tourist: “Canada has an EAST?!”



Government | Cincinnati, OH, USA

(I work for the city government and received this call the day after Halloween.)

Customer: “The garbage collectors didn’t take all my garbage this morning. They left my pumpkin.”

Me: “Well, sir, where did you leave the pumpkin for collection?”

Customer: “In my recycling bin.”

Me: “Well, that’s why they didn’t take it. You need to put it in your garbage can.”

Customer: “But you can recycle a pumpkin!”

Me: “Sir, what do you think they are going to recycle your pumpkin into?”

Customer: “ PIE! ”



Zoo | Melbourne, FL, USA

(At our zoo, we have a dinosaur walk-through area. A mother is pointing out rhinoceroses to her young son.)

Mother: “Look, honey! They have the last living dinosaurs here!”

Me: “Ma’am, they aren’t actually dinosaurs. The dinosaurs that we have on display are replicas on the other side of the park.”

Mother: “But your advertisements said you had dinosaurs here today!”

Me: “We do, but these aren’t dinosaurs. They are rhinoceros. The dinosaurs are on the other side of the park.”

Mother: “But that’s just not true! These are rhino-SAURUSES! I think I know a dinosaur when I see them!”



Donut Shop | California, USA

Customer: “Can I have a sample of this doughnut?”

Me: “Sorry, no.”

Customer: “But you used to give them out! Why can’t I get one?”

Me: “Yeah, that was a long time ago. Now we only give it to children.”

(The customer squats down a bit.)

Customer: “I’m twelve. Can I have a sample?”



Tech Support | New Mexico, USA

(My boss passed away earlier this year. Her phone forwards to mine so that I can redirect individuals that need assistance.)

Customer: “Hi, can I speak to Dr. ***?”

Me: “I’m sorry, Dr. *** passed away earlier this year. Is there something I can help you with instead?”

Customer: “No, I think I’ll just call back. When do you think she’ll be in?”

Me: “Ma’am, she passed away.”

Customer: “Right…so when will she be in? Can I call back tomorrow?”

Me: “Ma’am, she’s dead.”

Customer: “Oh…how about Monday then?”



Grocery Store | Berlin, Germany

Me: “That’ll be €32,78 please.”

(The customer hands me American dollars.)

Me: “Sir, this is Germany. You can’t pay with US currency.”

Customer: “But this is the US.”

Me: “No sir, this is Germany, in Europe.”

Customer: “But…isn’t Europe part of the US?”

Amazing glass art




Take a look at these astonishing vintage ads. (2 pages)




Nathan Sawaya and his incredible LEGO artworks.




Prosthetics have come a long way, as this article shows.




'Shopped images of animal pirates. Arrrrrr-ribet!




An amazing sculpture.




If you need to waste a little time, here are a few ways to help.

Receptionist: What month is April?

Dentist Office
Arlington Heights, Illinois



Trainee: This customer is mad because we won't cover an accident that happened before he was insured with us. He won't stop yelling!
Trainer: Ha! He's gonna have to suck eggs on that one! Sucks for him. But seriously, go through the facts and dates with him and explain why we won't cover it. Stay calm and apologize. You can do this!
Trainee, to customer: Thank you for holding. This... uh... Okay. My manager says you have to suck eggs, I'm sorry.

Riverview Parkway, San Diego



Editor: I don't think the parallel between origami and dead chicken is made well enough.

Austin, Texas



Chatty IT guy: He's 94 years old. Who cares if he's a heroin addict?

Kansas City, Missouri



Tech #1: Is that illegal?
Tech #2: No, but it's unethical.
Tech #1: Okay, then let's do it.

Butler, Pennsylvania



Office worker: Do you know why this code is causing a problem?
Web developer manager: I only know worthless things. I know all the lyrics to "American Pie," but I can't remember my mother's phone number.

Piscataway, New Jersey



Secretary #1: I'm going to Atlanta this weekend.
Secretary #2: Cool! The city or the island?

New York Presbyterian Hospital
Manhattan, New York



Quiet voice in stall, after long gaseous emission: Thank you, lord.

Melville, New York



Office worker #1: I got 10 out of 10 in the quiz!
Office worker #2: Did you get the first question correct?

Adelaide, Australia



Assistant: Yeah, sorry, I don't know how that happened. It's probably because I drink at work.

Baltimore, Maryland



Coworker #1: Rio de Janeiro just won the vote to host the 2016 Olympic Games.
Coworker #2: Is that like a perfume?

Charles City, Iowa



Female coworker to male coworker: I need some edible glitter!

Dallas, Texas



Customer to insurance agent: How am I supposed to fax you a copy of my police report? This is my only copy!

Phoenix, Arizona



Female phone-monkey: Oh my god! There are animals there? I've never been to the zoo!

Call Centre
Kitchener, Canada



Starbucks barista: And what size coffee would you like?
Very tall and intimidating black man with deep voice: My size.
(barista grabs largest cup available)

Santa Rosa, California



Manager entering office: It's raining pretty heavy.
Woman: Outside?
Manager, staring blankly for several seconds: Uh... yeah.

North Carolina



Bossman: Ted*, keep in mind: if you screw this up, we will beat you like a pinñata. We'll beat you till the candy comes out.

Denver, Colorado



Female coworker #1 to male coworker: So, where are you from again?
Male coworker: Chicago.
Female coworker #2 to male coworker: Wait! Is Chicago the state or is Illinois the state?
Male coworker: Is that a real question?

Seattle, Washington



CSR to friend: So apparently my lymphedema makes me more likely to get cancer in the future...
Boss, interrupting: That's a relief. Not that I'd wish cancer on you. More the fact that you're more likely to get it than me. I like that sort of news. We need more of that around here! (walks off).
CSR's friend: Here's HR's number.

Newcastle, England



Female coworker, looking out the window: Aw, look at the little kids, they're so cute!
Male coworker: I hate kids.
Female coworker: Why?
Male coworker: They're just too small to be natural...

Edinburgh. Scotland



Employee, about coworker: Now, she is what we call an "Amazon woman." She's been known to eat puppies, kittens, and babies. You might have to jog a bit to keep up with her. Following the Amazon woman to lunch is like chasing a wildebeest across the savanna.

Dallas, Texas



Coworker: I don't mind wearing my glasses. I just don't like to when it is raining or snowing or when I'm out at night... or when it's sunny outside.

Manhattan



Coworker: Sorry, I don't mean to laugh, but it is just so sad.

Baton Rouge, Louisiana



Receptionist: What if a man mated with a cheetah? Would he be able to participate in the Olympics?

Redmond, Washington



Branch manager: Maybe it's a seeing eye goat!

Brownsville, Texas

Inspired by a comment in a previous journal, here are some quotes by Calvin Trillin.

I've posted quotes by him before but here they're grouped together for your convenience.



I never did very well in math - I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn't meant my answers literally.


Following the Rumanian tradition, garlic is used in excess to keep the vampires away.


The question about those aromatic advertisements that perfume companies are having stitched into magazines these days is this: under the freedoms guaranteed by the First Amendment, is smelling up the place a constitutionally protected form of expression?


When it comes to Chinese food I have always operated under the policy that the less known about the preparation the better. A wise diner who is invited to visit the kitchen replies by saying, as politely as possible, that he has a pressing engagement elsewhere.


Anybody caught selling macrame in public should be dyed a natural color and hung out to dry.


Health food makes me sick.


If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?


In modern America, anyone who attempts to write satirically about the events of the day finds it difficult to concoct a situation so bizarre that it may not actually come to pass while the article is still on the presses.


As far as I'm concerned, "whom" is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.


It happens to be a matter of record that I was first in print with the discovery that the tastelessness of the food offered in American clubs varies in direct proportion to the exclusiveness of the club. The food in such places is so tasteless because the members associate spices and garlic with just the sort of people they're trying to keep out.


The price of purity is purists.


When someone reaches middle age, people he knows begin to get put in charge of things, and knowing what he knows about the people who are being put in charge of things scares the hell out of him.


Even today, well-brought-up English girls are taught by their mothers to boil all veggies for at least a month and a half, just in case one of the dinner guests turns up without his teeth.


The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.




A word to the wise is infuriating.


The highways are crowded with people who drive as if their sole purpose in getting behind the wheel is to avenge every wrong done them by man, beast or fate. The only thing that keeps them in line is their fear of death, jail and lawsuits.


America... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.


When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.


In a closed society where everybody's guilty, the only crime is getting caught. In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity.


Myths and legends die hard in America. We love them for the extra dimension they provide, the illusion of near-infinite possibility to erase the narrow confines of most men's reality. Weird heroes and mold-breaking champions exist as living proof to those who need it that the tyranny of 'the rat race' is not yet final.


Freedom is something that dies unless it's used.


You better take care of me, Lord, if you don't you're gonna have me on your hands.


Every now and then you run up on one of those days when everything's in vain . . . . a stone bummer from start to finish; if you know what's good for you, on days like these you sort of hunker down in a safe corner and watch. Maybe think a bit.


Buy the ticket, take the ride.


No man is so foolish but he may sometimes give another good counsel, and no man so wise that he may not easily err if he takes no other counsel than his own. He that is taught only by himself has a fool for a master.


If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up.


Weird behavior is natural in smart children, like curiosity is to a kitten.


He had come so far from himself that I don't think he knew who he was anymore.


Morality is temporary, wisdom is permanent.


The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.


Life has become immeasurably better since I have been forced to stop taking it seriously.


Let us toast to animal pleasures, to escapism, to rain on the roof and instant coffee, to unemployment insurance and library cards, to absinthe and good-hearted landlords, to music and warm bodies and contraceptives... and to the "good life", whatever it is and wherever it happens to be.


A man who procrastinates in his choosing will inevitably have his choice made for him by circumstance.


So we shall let the reader answer this question for himself: who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?


I was not proud of what I had learned but I never doubted that it was worth knowing.


I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.


…and he would probably not agree with my conviction that a sense of humor is the main measure of sanity. But who can say for sure? Humor is a very private thing.


The greatest mania of all is passion: and I am a natural slave to passion: the balance between my brain and my soul and my body is as wild and delicate as the skin of a Ming vase.


We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and -- in spite of True Romance magazines -- we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely -- at least, not all the time -- but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don't see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.


All my life, my heart has sought a thing I cannot name.


Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming 'Wow! What a Ride!'