20-something to friend: I don't understand the sudden concern about global warming...I mean, it's what happened at the end of the Ice Age!

--LaGuardia Community College, Long Island



Thin 20-something: Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
Heavier friend: Unless you melt some mozzarella on it!

--BBQ, The Bronx



Teenage girl: So I'm getting better at hooking up with guys and not getting attached! I hooked up with Jake last week, and I don't feel anything at all!
Friend: Yeah, but that's not hard. He's, like, impossible to get attached to. We need to find you a challenge. Who's really cute and cuddly?
Random old man walking in front of them: Pick me, pick me!

--Port Authority Bus Terminal



Professor, holding up student's essay: This person made over three dozen grammatical errors on their essay.
Student, to another next to him: Oh my god...that means twelve!

--John Jay College



20-something female on cell: But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.

--23rd St & 5th Ave



Student: Why the fuck are people still building greenhouses if we have the greenhouse effect?

--Columbia University



Little boy to friends: And next year, we're going to assassinate Hitler!

--66th St & 2nd Ave



Crazy preacher guy: If you think I'm not telling the truth, fine. But on Judgement Day you will pay for all those times you didn't go to church.
Passenger: Hey, it's Easter Sunday...shouldn't you be in church?
Crazy preacher guy: Oh, shit.

--1 Train



Somewhat large woman: And then the orangutan started totally groping me!
Passerby, stopping: You've got my attention.

--7th St & 1st Ave



Little girl, talking to Rite-Aid employee: How many letters are there in the alphabet?
Rite-Aid employee: Hmm...let's see. Right now? Right now...24.
Little girl: Aren't there 26?
Rite-Aid employee: Actually there used to be 26, but they took away two.
Little girl: Which ones?
Rite-Aid employee: The ch and the double l.

--Rite-Aid, 86th St



Girl #1: So I really wanted those boots, but I couldn't find them online for less than $190, but then I found them for $110, so I just bought them and told my nana to just take $100 out of my allowance. But she was like, "no, it's okay."
Girl #2: That's so nice.
Girl #1: I know, and I was like, "but nana, you said the market was really bad right now!"
Girl #2: What does your nana do?
Girl #1: She embezzles.

--Starbucks, 29th & Park Ave



Conductor: Next stop, Lexington.
Four-year-old girl, cutting him off: Shut up! Shut up!
Mother: Who are you tellin' to shut up?
Four-year-old girl: That man! We *know* where we is!
Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors.
Four-year-old girl: We know! This ain't the first time we rode a train, sir!

--N Train



Brunette #1 to friend: I have like no idea what's going on in the world right now. I should start watching the news.
Brunette #2: Well, I heard that Italy is becoming less popular. You know, like on the Richter scale.

--78th St & 2nd Ave



Blonde bimbo: Skydiving...is that the one done on water?

--Jerome Avenue Line



Cute guy in Yankees hat: I need a wild, destructive relationship for awhile.

--Brother Jimmy's, 81st & Amsterdam



Loud, mildly intoxicated girl at dinner: People who litter are so much worse than drug dealers.

--Brooklyn



Toddler: Mommy, you make me suicidal!

--Roosevelt Island Bus



Guy: Yeah, I just got over a long-term relationship. You know, two to three months.

--Starbucks, 67 & Columbus



Large, intimidating thug: So you think you're grown up, huh? You think you're a man?
Small boy: (nods)
Large, intimidating thug: Then why don't you get a job? Move out?
Small boy: Cause I love you!
Large, intimidating thug, more quietly: Well, I love you too.

--Downtown A Train



Girl: Ohhhh, this is the building that King Kong climbed up, right?
Guy: Yeah.
Girl: Wow. That would have been so scary to live here when that happened!

--In line for elevator at Empire State Building