From the net....




Outdoor Equipment Store | Alberta, Canada

(A couple comes up to me looking for something to help against attacking cougars. I recommend bear spray, a high-power pepper spray to repel predators.)

Customer: “Nah, we don’t need bear spray. Sometimes that stuff just pisses them off, y’know?”

Me: “Well, in some rare cases–”

Customer: “Hey what are those?” *points at 18″ machetes*

Me: “Those are machetes.”

Customer: “That’s perfect! That’s just what we ened. If there’s a cougar we don’t need no Bear Spray! We’ll just fight ‘em off with this!”

Me: “Okay…you sure you wouldn’t like some bear spray, too? Just as a first option?”

Customer: “Nah, sometimes that just pisses them off!”



Retail | Boston, MA, USA

Customer: “Hi, can you help me find invisible wire?”

Me: “Oh, fish wire?”

Customer: “Yes, invisible wire.”

Me: “Yup, that’s right over here.”

(I take the customer over, pull one off the hook and hand it to him.)

Customer: “Is this a joke?!”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “This isn’t invisible wire! I can see it!”



Tech Support | Melbourne, Australia

Me: *on the phone* “Hello, how can I help you?”

Customer: “My cable won’t stop changing channels.”

(I walk the customer through a basic re-set.)

Me: “Has that resolved the issue?”

Customer: “No, it’s still changing channels.”

Me: “OK, you’re just watching it and it’s just randomly changing channels by itself?”

Customer: “Yes, when I press the channel up and down buttons on the remote, it keeps changing channels.”

Me: “…that’s the purpose of the channel buttons.”

Customer: “Well, how do I get it to stop changing channels?”

Me: “Stop pressing the channel buttons.”

Customer: *getting irritated* “But I want to press the channel buttons, but it won’t stop changing.”

Me: “If you don’t want it to change, stop pressing the buttons.”

Customer: “Oh…but how do I get it to stop?”

Me: “ Put your remote down and don’t touch it.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous, why would you have that button if it’s just going to change the channels?!”



Scottish Import Store | Toronto, ON, Canada

(I work at a Scottish import store that specializes in kilts. We mostly rent them out for weddings.)

Me: “Okay, guys, you’re all fitted up. Everything will be ready for pick-up the Thursday before the wedding.”

Customer: “Guys, you know what we have to do, right? We have to go commando! No wearing anything under the kilt!” *to me* “That’s the way to do it, right?”

Me: “Well, gentlemen, we don’t have a policy on that one way or the other. Personally, though, before you decide, I’d advise you to take a moment and consider ALL the implications of the word…’rental.’”

Customer: “What? But…oh…oh! Ewww!”



Restaurant | Hagerstown, MD, USA

(A woman called in to make a reservation.)

Woman: “Hi, I’m a vegetarian, what can you do for me?”

Host: “Well, I can check with the kitch–”

Woman: *interrupting* “And I don’t wanna hear pasta, tofu or vegetables!”

Host: “Well ma’am, what did you have in mind?”

Woman: “I don’t know, but everywhere I call offers me that, and I don’t like any of it!”



Credit Card Call Center | Florida, USA

Me: “Hello, I’m calling about a bill your [credit card] that you haven’t paid in two months.”

Customer: “I don’t even have this card.”

Me: “Well, is this your address?” *asks address*

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “And is this your correct phone number?” *asks phone number*

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “May I verify the last four digits of your social?”

Customer: “Yes, it’s ****.”

Me: “Okay, that’s what we have. Were your last charges at [dentist] and with your phone company on [date]?”

Customer: “Why, yes, I did go there on those dates.”

Me: “So, you used this card.”

Customer: “No, I cut up this card. I don’t have it anymore.”

Me: “Well, the account is still open and you’re still responsible for the money you owe.”

Customer: “No, I cut up the card! I don’t owe anything!”

Me: “You have a balance of $2000 on the card. Even when you cut the card up, you still owe what you spent.”

Customer: “Really?!”



Library | Iowa, USA

Library patron: “How much is this book?”

Me: “Well, according to the price on the back it looks like it costs about $27.00. However, the actual price may vary depending on where you buy it.”

Library patron: “Wow, that is a lot of money.”

Me: “Yea, kind of.”

Library patron: “Okay, well…I’ll take it,”

Me: “Okay, I will need your library card and I can check it out to you.”

Library patron: “Oh, I want to write a check.”

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t sell books here. This is a library, so you borrow them.”

Library patron: “So you are not going to sell me this book?”

Me: “No, but I will gladly let you check it out if you have a library card.”

Library patron: “What kind of store is this?”

Me: “It isn’t a store…it’s a library.”

Library patron: “So you really won’t sell me this book?”

Me: “No, I cannot sell you that book.”

Library patron: “Fine! I’ll take my money elsewhere!”

Me: “Nice doing business with you!”



Tech Support | Albany, NY, USA

Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, my cable box is doing that tiling thing.”

Me: “I can help you with that. Let’s try and reboot the box. I need you to unplug it.”

Customer: “My wife is recording a show. Will that be affected?”

Me: “Unfortunately, yes. If you unplug the box, the DVR will stop recording.”

Customer: “Do you think I should should wait, and call back later when it’s done?”

Me: *chuckles* “That depends on how much trouble you’ll get in with your wife.”

Customer: *laughs nervously* “Yeah, you’re right. She’ll lock me in the basement again…I’ll wait, thank you.”



Restaurant | Austin, TX, USA

(I work at a sandwich place, where we have signs up promoting free Wi-Fi. A uninformed lady comes in to the store.)

Lady: *looking the menu over and over* “How big is the serving of free Wi-Fi?”

Me: “I’m sorry, can you say that again?”

Lady: “The serving of Wi-Fi, how big is the free portion? Can I pay extra and get a bigger one to share with my husband, or can we get two cups for free?”

Me: “The Wi-Fi is a signal for computers that can connect to the internet wirelessly…it isn’t something edible.”

(She looks around for a long time, checks her phone and then walks out.)



Print Shop | Detroit, MI, USA

(I am setting birthday invitations for a customer’s mother’s 90th birthday.)

Customer: “Well, it looks great, except for one thing…”

Me: “Well, all right. Just tell me the problem and I can fix it.”

Customer: *pointing to the location and address on the invite* “Can we remove this? There’s too much information, it looks really cluttered.”

Me: “…you want to remove the location from the invitation?”

Customer: “Yes! It looks like too many words; I certainly wouldn’t read all that.” *points to RSVP information* “Actually, take that off too.”

Me: “How are people going to know where to go, or how to let you know they’ll be there?”

Customer: “Oh, I’m sure they can figure it out!”



Vet | Vancouver, BC, Canada

(A customer comes in to discuss care of his elderly, very ill cat. We talk about keeping the cat warm and hydrated.)

Customer: “So, I have this idea…I thought that if I put the cat in a bath, she’d stay warm and not be thirsty.”

Me: “Well sir, I don’t think that that would be a good idea. She’ll get cold once you take her out of the bath. Also, putting her in water isn’t going to help her stay hydrated.”

Customer: “You mean that if I’m thirsty and I take a bath, I’ll still be thirsty when I get out?”

Me: “Yes, that is what I’m saying.”



Movie Theater | San Diego, CA, USA

(I’m working in the customer service area when a woman approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, we are late for the movie…”

Me: “Okay, would you like to wait for the next show or get a refund?”

Customer: “No. Could you please rewind the movie back to the beginning?”

Me: “…rewind the movie?”

Customer: “Yes, you know… PUSH rewind so we can see it from the beginning.”

Me: “Uh ma’am, these aren’t like VCRs or DVD players…these are huge projectors that can’t be rewound. Besides that, there are already other people in the theater. All I can do is give you tickets for the next show or a refund.”

Customer: *exasperated* “NEVER MIND!”



Home Improvement | New Hampshire, USA

Customer: *whispers* “Could I have six…no, make that eight ladybugs please?”

Me: “You only need eight ladybugs? Or eight boxes? We sell them in boxes of one hundred.”

Customer: “Yes, just eight individual ladybugs. And could you please keep your voice down?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t open a box to give you just eight. The rest would all fly away.”

Customer: “Well, then I’ll take a box. ”

(I ring her up and she takes the box of ladybugs over to one of our picnic tables. She takes one ladybug, whispers to it and then flings it into the air.)

Customer: “HEAR MY WORDS AND DO MY BIDDING!”

(After several more ladybugs have been released she brings the box back over.)

Customer: “I’m not going to need the rest of these. You can keep them here.”

Me: “Ma’am, can I ask what you asked those ladybugs to do for you?”

Customer: “Well, ladybugs eat other bugs, which means they’re meat eaters! So I gave them the names and addresses of people I hate. That way, they can get a swarm of them and attack! If they eat meat then it’s just a matter of time before a whole bunch of them will eat a whole person!”



Bookstore | Concord, CA

(A man has been causing a ruckus at the registers for ten minutes and a line had formed behind him.)

Man: “I’m a lawyer and I know my rights! If you don’t take this return I’m going to sue the living s*** out of you.”

(A woman in a professional-looking business suit steps up to the register. In a cool professional voice, she asks to see the receipt that the man is waving. After a moment’s inspection, she gives him a hard stare over the rim of her glasses.)

Woman: “Sir, the store’s return policy is clearly printed on your receipt. They cannot take back opened CDs.”

Man: “But–”

Woman: “FURTHERMORE, by purchasing from this store, you are accepting the store’s return policy as a signed contract that you agreed to abide by.”

Man: “I–”

Woman: “IN ADDITION, by blatantly trying to circumvent this contract signed by you, no judge would rule in your favor.”

Man: “But I–”

Woman: “If you really were a lawyer, you would be fully aware of this fact. By claiming to be a lawyer when you are clearly NOT, you are committing an act of fraud, which can get you arrested.”

(The man turns white and flees the store without another peep.)

Woman: “I’ve had eight years’ experience working behind the registers, dealing with people like him. MAN, that felt GOOD!”