Guy at party: What are you studying in that class?
Psychology grad student: We're learning how to administer and score intelligence tests.
Girl at party: I don't believe in intelligence.

Fort Collins, Colorado



English teacher, reading Hamlet: "To die, to sleep; To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come..." Alright class, we'll pick it up from there on Monday.
Frat boy #1: What the fuck was that about?
Frat boy #2: I don't know, man. Let's go kill some zombies.

Gettysburg College
Gettysburg, Pennsylvania



9-year-old boy, biking: Yo, what kind of flowers are they?
13-year-old brother, also biking: They be poppies an' calla-lilies an' peonies an' oleanders an' hydrangeas an' shit.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania



Gay man, pensively: I bet vaginas make excellent hand-warmers.

Disneyland
Anaheim, California



Vaguely thuggish flight attendant: Aiiight, y'all, welcome aboard United Airlines...don't know the flight number, but we're going to Detroit, and that's all that matters.

Delayed Flight from Washington, DC



Hobo #1, holding sneaker, to another: Put that shoe on!
Hobo #2: Man, I don't want to sweat in the shoe. That'll make my feet stink!
Hobo #1: Man, what the fuck you worried about? Your feet already stink. I can smell them from here. Those people can smell them from here. Now put on your goddamn shoes and tie that shit up tight. No one wants to smell what you got. Now I'm going to stand here and watch you tie those shoes for the good of everyone on this train.
(others on train applaud)

MARTA Train
Atlanta, Georgia



Receptionist, explaining e-mail to coworker: Or she may have even did the grammar slightly off.

Library
Arizona State University



Teary-eyed teen: But I don't wanna work...I wanna go to Istanbul!

Palmer, Alaska



Construction worker eating pizza: So basically, pizza is just glorified cheese on toast.

Hatton Garden
London, England



Old man: I'll have two scoops of chocolate raspberry truffle in a waffle cone, and a baby cone for my dog. He's the one who made us stop here.

Brusters Ice Cream
Atlanta, Georgia



Chick on cell: Yeah, mom, listen: I'm trying to buy some weed. Yeah, I'll call you back if I get any. Okay, love you too. Bye.

Boston, Massachusetts



Drunk girl: St. Patrick's day is celebrating St. Patrick...who drove all the rats out of Germany.

University of Evansville
Evansville, Indiana



15-year-old female student, staring at results of geography test: But I thought Wales was that bunch of small islands at the top of Scotland...

Secondary School
England



Patron #1: How are you tonight?
Patron #2: Well, I'm currently disappointed in humanity.

Bar
Columbus, Indiana



Guy #1: Yo, fathead! Going to prison is just a fact of life. Everybody goes at least once.
Guy #2: I know, man...I'm just gonna miss the daily hustle.
Guy #1: Like I said, you're not a man till you've worn a jumpsuit.

Knoxville, Tennessee



4 year old girl: "I've got a day off today, but tomorrow I have to go back to work."

Taiwan High Speed Rail



Girl #1: You can't save every animal in the world.
Girl #2: You don't think you could save every animal in the world? We could go to the rain forest!
Girl #3: I want to go to the rain forest and save the monkeys and Chihuahuas!

Merced, California



Grandmother, about tantrum-throwing child: I think it might be time to put her to sleep.
Mother: Yeah. Come on honey, we'll go home and have a nap!
Grandmother, under her breath: That's not what I meant.

Westfield Shopping Center
South Morang, Australia



Woman on PA system: Attention. Please disregard the call for wheelchair assistance at gate A-5. Repeat: there is no wheelchair needed at gate A-5. It's a miracle!

Airport
Rochester, New York



Girl to roommate guy: You should really clean the blood out of your clown shoes.

Colby-Sawyer College Dorm
New London, New Hampshire